Mindfulness Activity

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Answer these questions to yourself.
I would suggest writing it down so you can not only think it, but see it.  See the words in black and white and truly believe what you are writing.

Ink is law. 

1. What is good?
2. What do you love?
3. What do you create?
4. Who do you love?
5. What do you want?

Take this time to think about what is around you and in you.

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13 Things The Human Should Remember

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1. Life is not about following a path, but making your own.

  • It is impossible to follow the path of another being when we have such different backgrounds, goals, experiences, and morals.  Your lesson is your own.  Your path is your own.

2. It is always okay to fall in love. Love is the sweetest of life’s nectars.

  • Sometimes when we have been hurt or feel love has been unkind to us, we build walls.  We do not want to be vulnerable again.  However, please remember: love doesn’t hurt.

3. Fearing love is fearing your entity.

  • Your entire being, your entire creation is the byproduct of tedious love and care.  From your freckles to your kinky hair.  To deny love is to deny life.

4. Live in each moment…not the future moment or the past moment. Live now.

  • Yesterday is gone and tomorrow is not yet here.  Live in the moment.  What are you rushing life for?  Love the moment.  Find something right now that makes you happy.

5. Never hesitate to tell someone how much you appreciate them. The feeling you will get is of relief and admiration.

  • You do not want to miss out on the chance to tell anyone how important they are to you.  The time to do that is now.  They will be surprised, and some may try to brush it off, but I assure you that you will make their day.

6. Trust your decision making and always pump yourself up.

  • TRUST YOURSELF! No one knows better than you.  And when you make good decisions, give yourself some credit!

7. You are the architect of your reality and your reality only. You are the God of your vessel.

  • You can only control yourself and yourself only, which is more than enough.  Think about it, who makes the decisions in your life?  Who is to blame for your problems?  Who is to congratulate for your successes?  You are.

8. Prioritize laughing and smiling every day.

  • Laughing benefits our heart in more ways than one.  You deserve to smile.  You deserve to laugh until you can’t breathe.  You deserve joy.

9. Pamper yourself with love, solitude and self improvement.

  • Spoil yourself with self-care.  Look at yourself in the mirror naked, love your vessel.  Prioritize your free time for yourself.  Improve your mind and body so that it reflects your mind.

10. Love receives love.

  • You can bring more flies with honey than vinegar.

11. Recognize you are a masterpiece and your mind is poetry. Appreciate your existence.

  • It is okay to worship yourself…within reason of your belief system.  Understand you are infinite.  You are the perfect you.

12. Resisting is allowing your obstacle to stand in your way. Move forward with the motion of the Universe and pretty soon you will have no reason to resist because everything is in your favor.

  • The Law of Attraction.  You are what you think you are.  Obstacles are literally that, you can either continue moving forward by noticing them and taking them as a lesson OR you can completely trip over them…stumble, gripe and get stuck at them.  That is your choice alone.

13. Let your mind roam freely, don’t limit your thoughts with your fears of flesh.

  • Your mind is not limited by the finite entity of your vessel.  Do not only focus on things.  Let your mind be free beyond the world.

Affirmation and Motivation: Be Love

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In all actuality everyone wants to be loved.  No one truly thinks the things they do are bad.  People want to be the reason why someone else smiles.  Remind people they are loved by being a vessel for peace to find shelter in.  Be free of judgment.  As peace floods your heart you will feel an over-abundance of pure joy.  You will be able to overstand the hearts of the angered and recognize how to deal with them.  When people see you, you want your vibrations to be so high that it pulsates with their Higher Self, awakening their Eye.

Surround yourself with beautiful energy.  Be thankful you have the ability to see with your Eye.  If you find you are content amplify that energy.  Start thinking about everything good, from your day itself or a scene when you were at your happiest.  Believe you will experience that happiness again on a daily basis and look forward to it.

Have a goal for your soul to be love and be loved.

Be Confident in Yourself

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Second guessing seems to come naturally when manifesting right?  There always seems to be a nagging little person in your head whispering negative thoughts.  I’ve found myself breaking down and listening to this person on occasion, ruining my train of thought.  I seem to get caught up in unfairly rationalizing my goals due to this “voice”.  Remember this: if one emotionally fueled vibration of negative energy is sent out it can affect your manifestation’s outcome.  Now I say this not to scare you but direct you in recognizing that little nagging person in our head is just a distraction.  They are the embodiment of the beliefs and self-doubt society has installed in our hard drives.  They are not in our Godly/Higher Self’s nature.  As we think, we may start to become obsessed with our self-doubt and attempt to rationalize the negative thought.

I’ve learned a few tricks on how to maintain confidence in myself, one technique requires imagination to change the flow of energy and another is saturation by policed thoughts.

Anytime I visualize a negative thought to something I want to manifest, I morph the image into being apart of my larger dream.  I will turn an image of me not getting accepted in my culinary school of choice into a scene where I open another email after that and see I got into a better culinary school anyways.  Or I imagine all the bad imagery to just be apart of a movie in which I am the actress or apart of a storyline for a book I am writing to be published.  These may seem elementary but they will bring a smile to your face and change the original energy of the image.  You will find yourself daydreaming the once negative image away into your current manifestation or future manifestations in life.  Your emotions will follow in suit.  It is amazing how easy this is to incorporate in your daily thoughts.  You must be comfortable with the flow of your imagination.  No one is there to “judge” your thoughts so get creative!

Of course the traditional technique to do would be to “police” your thoughts but sometimes that approach can get tiring and negative itself if done wrong.  Instead try to saturate your mind with good thoughts.  This means for every nagging word that little person in your head says, bombard yourself with good memories, rationalize how your manifestation can and will happen, and envision words like success and peace.  This is a tricky one because self-doubt has been given permission from ourselves to be persistent, but do not allow this to happen.  Be consciously persistent on why you deserve your manifestation.  We have been programmed to be pessimists or “realists” but the Universe does not work on those terms.  What you put in is what you get out.  So all throughout the day affirm your manifestations, and affirm the qualities and resources you have in order to achieve them.

Do you not deserve the things you want in life?  You are worthy of everything.  There is a bigger person in your head telling you great things about yourself and your environment.  If you believe you are undeserving, you will ALWAYS want and never receive.  It is time to receive!  Be persistent in your optimism and know that there is always good to be found or created from a bad, always.

Control and Power: Social Interactions Part 4

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Rule of thumb for life: you cannot expect people to agree with you, understand you, or do what you say just because you communicated well to them.

When I first started assertive communication I felt like I had failed in my approach if the other party did not align with my wishes.  This feeling of failure made me want to resort back to my aggressive tendencies but I had to regain control of myself and understand I cannot control other people.  I am only responsible for communicating assertively and maturely.  I am only responsible for how I feel.

Not internalizing what people say goes deeper than protecting yourself from harmful language, it also means taking closure and comfort in what you said to them.  Taking closure and comfort means being confident enough in yourself to know you did your best to communicate your feelings, boundaries, concerns, and thoughts regardless if the situation is handled.  No one truly owes us anything.  Being assertive allows your needs to get met without violating the rights of others.  You aren’t overstepping their boundaries and forcing them to give you want you want.  You aren’t expecting them to fulfill your needs for you.  You aren’t on a revenge-trip to get your needs met because you were unable to be assertive the first go around.

Do not allow people to have the power to influence and control your emotions based upon how they react to your communication.  You can be disappointed if you were expecting something but this falls back to the root of all communication: expectations versus reality.  Verbalize that you are disappointed about the conversation not going the way you expected.  You are welcome to feel however you want, but do not internalize the results or explode.  We cannot make people do what we want them to do…once again.

Being assertive is a self-satisfying act only.  It is an humbling skill that takes practice.  There will be hiccups but once you are able to recognize your symptoms as you move up the spectrum of aggression – lashing out and forcing your needs on others or being passive – shutting down and expecting others to fulfill your needs, it WILL become easier.  Eventually you may not need to take a time or you can correct people at that moment when they disrespect you.  With being assertive it is so much easier to take responsibility for what you said since you don’t clean up the mess of emotional outrage, shutdown, or revenge later.

Assertiveness is true power of Self.

Control and Power: Social Interactions Part 3

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Confidence. Confidence. CONFIDENCE.

As I said in an earlier post, some people appear to be very assertive and comfortable in social interactions but deeply internalize the things said.  Same goes for the aggressive people who overreact to confrontations and the passive folk who anxiously accept what they are being told.  Passive people tend to appear to be better accepting social interactions and what they may hold even if they are put in a bind.  They internalize the conversation and the things that happened during it which they fume over until they explode (passive aggressive) or until they self-destruct from depreciation (passive passive). Aggressive people tend to get their fumes off right at that moment and deal with the consequences later.

Stop internalizing other realities.  This is obviously easier said than done.  Humans are social beings and we do take the opinions of others personal.  Some of us don’t like stepping on toes and when an interaction goes bad, we soak up all that negativity as our own.  We blame ourselves for even complaining in the first place and feel deserving of whatever is said or done to us.

You have to be confident in your abilities to communicate.  Just like the aggressive people, you may have to take a time out when you catch yourself shutting down.  If it feels “awkward” or “weak”, then let it feel like that while you take the time to recollect yourself.  Why do you feel weakened for taking a minute to gather your confidence back up so you aren’t stepped all over? Ask yourself that deeply.

Passive people have a tendency to stand by and just listen to questionable, derogatory, and degrading comments.  When a conversation or confrontation doesn’t seem to be going your way despite you exercising your coping mechanisms and good communication skills it is not your fault.  You also do not have to stand by and continue to accept a diatribe from someone which is harmful to you.  You deserve more than standing by and accepting negativity.  Be confident in your ability to say “I am feeling uncomfortable and am ending this conversation.”  That is your right.  Take ownership over your voice again.  This is one of the most important steps in stopping the internalization process.  You are being assertive and regaining control over yourself.  Even if you are in the wrong, you don’t have to stand by and listen to a smear fest of your name especially if you know you are one of those people who take other people’s opinions personal.

To do this you may need do the same spectrum type drawing as aggressive people expressing anger and perhaps have yours be a verbal shutdown.  Perhaps at the beginning on Level 1 you are positive and open to the conversation.  Maybe about Level 2 or 3 you are getting apprehensions about the conversation but still stick to your guns.  Level 4-5 you hear more and more things you don’t like and find yourself getting irritable but don’t want to get upset.   Level 5-6 your confidence is almost gone and you are truly taking what the person is saying personal.  You are allowing them to continue to control the conversation with aggressive words versus being assertive.  Level 7-8 You are probably just agreeing/accepting whatever is being said in hopes of if ending.  You may be either fuming or pitying yourself.  Level 9-10 Usually around this level you have chosen to shut down.  You aren’t retorting to protect yourself, may be able to cry, feel whatever they are saying is true or holding yourself a pity party.  You might also be going over scenarios in your head of what you could of/should of done if you are passive aggressive.  All in all, the situation is not solved and you are essentially at a loss because you have internalized everything.

At some point in that spectrum figure out when is the best time for you to take a time out yourself to regroup and recollect your confidence to continue the conversation, correct the person, or end it completely.  A time out is not useful at Level 10 once you have completely soaked up everything said.  Instead of trying to build yourself up you would probably spend that time having a pity party full of anxiety and emotional thinking.

If you know you have a tendency to let things build up over time and mull over them forever, you need to gain control of that.  It is okay to remember pertinent things but if you are passive aggressive you may end up exploding on someone about something they honestly do not remember or care about at that time.  It becomes difficult at that point to express how you felt because now you are angry (hurt).  While it is never too late to express how you feel, understand not everyone has to care.

Save yourself the heartache and “clock it” when a situation happens.  Or if you are being criticized immediately take a step away from the situation and genuinely listen to the person.  Do not take it personal.  Take it personal on the actions you may have done to bother the person and take responsibility.  However if they are getting disrespectful, protect yourSELF and let them know.  So say, “I am sorry I made you feel that way.  Thank you for letting me know and I will try to do better.   However, when you said – insert offensive words – it made me feel this way.”  Don’t try to force anything out of the person, whether it be an apology or recognition.  If they continue to disrespect you show yourSELF some love by finishing the conversation.  You deserve more than that.

You are capable of being assertive and how people feel about that is their own problem.  You are not someone’s doormat and everything people say and do is one them, not you.  You are not inconveniencing anyone by protecting yourself in a social interaction.  You do not have to be hyper-aware, but to set BOUNDARIES on what can be said and done to your being.

Boundaries will be your best friend in the end, I promise.

Control And Power: Social Interactions Part 2

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Are you the type of person who can never quite gauge at what point you “lost control” of your anger? Do you see yourself overreacting to certain situations that could have been handled a better way?  In order to become a true architect of one’s reality, taking responsibility for our previous flawed actions is completely necessary.  You cannot change anything about yourself without accepting your shortcomings first.

Anger is a secondary emotion with its own baggage.  When it comes to social interactions gone awry, anger can be the default emotion for a lot of us, myself included.  It is easier to express your anger in a dramatic, fiery way, than perhaps to be vulnerable and express that you felt hurt, abandoned, or sad.  I mean, of course, who wants to be so transparent to other people and risk being shamed right?  Well sometimes you have to be, especially when your anger has a history of being argumentative, degrading, physical, and emotionally abusive.  Cursing someone out is not necessary for every disagreement.  When you are fueled strictly by emotion you cannot control anything.

Sit down and draw a line on a piece of paper.  On that line draw 10 smaller intersecting lines, labeling them from 1-10.  This line represents your anger spectrum with 1 being the first level of your anger and 10 being your highest form.  Write down the physical, emotional, and verbal symptoms of each level of anger.

For me, at level 1 of my anger I am simply irritated.  I furrow my brows, am quick to retort but still try to listen to the person.  Around 2-3, I get anxious because my expectations are not being met, my hearts beats a bit faster and I may tap my foot or a pick at my nails. 4-5 I am cocking an attitude, I am still listening, but sarcastic.  I will roll my eyes and sneer at this level.  6-7 I am raising my voice, definitely not listening except to pinpoint certain things to nitpick about, putting my tongue in cheek to not say anything too ugly.  At this level I am pacing around and am visibly upset. 7-8 This is my last chance to try and catch myself but usually at this point I have a lot of adrenaline pumping and I want to get angrier.  I am very difficult to talk to. 8-9 Yelling, screaming, and essentially going the fuck off.  My heart is pumping super fast, anxiety is through the roof, I am easily triggered, and not able to control myself.  Level 10 is my point of no return.  Usually my “blackout” mode where I do and say things I usually regret in relation to the situation.

Everyone is going to have different symptoms per level.  If you don’t know what yours are but are quick to get angry, I suggest you figure them out sooner than later.  Seeing the spectrum for myself, I was able to look back on the times when I was a Level 10 when I really could have handled the situation at Level 2 or 3.  It was a bit disheartening to see how little I had control over my emotions, specifically the most dangerous one, anger.  Understanding the levels of your anger, more specifically the symptoms of each level, will help you establish a boundary for how far you are willing to go in a situation.

Coping mechanisms to handle our anger and calm down are the bread and butter of controlling social interaction.  Time outs are my go-to thing.  When I am creeping up to Level 4-5 anger and catch myself wanting to be sarcastic, I go ahead and excuse myself from the situation.  YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO LEAVE a situation that is upsetting you.  Obviously this has to be tailored to the type of confrontation you are in (you can’t leave in the middle of a court room).  Do not fume and boil over in a confrontation for no reason.  It is not productive and you will continue getting angrier.

During my time out I usually call someone from my support network (friends, family, therapist) to vent.  I do all of my fuming in a quiet, secluded place (bathrooms and cars are great for this) just so I can calm down.  Depending on how angry you were it may take 10 minutes to calm down or more.  It takes me about an hour or two to completely cool down from a confrontation, however I can usually get back to the person and speak calmly to them after after 30 minutes.  Your time out may consist of angrily tweeting, calling a friend, breathing deeply, quick meditation, or stretching.  Take this time to also refocus on what you want to communicate. You are allowed to express that you are angry, but dig deeper on what that feeling actually may be.  Why am I even angry?  Was it something they said or their lack of understanding?  Do I really need to be this angry right now?  Am I feeling hurt, betrayed, confused, abandoned, ignored?  Would it hurt to communicate how I truly feel to this person?

Time outs are not failures.  You are stepping forward and using your cognitive mind to make a decision and maintain control over yourself DESPITE the situation.  Do not feel weak or at a loss because you asked for a minute to think over the situation before coming back.  You caught yourself before you let your emotional mind take control, and essentially lose control.

Another coping mechanism that helped me regain control over my communication with others was figuring out what were my social triggers.  What got under my skin and shot me up from a Level 1 to Level 7?  Here are a few of my own social triggers:

  • Someone cutting me off
  • Being insulted
  • Being told to stay calm when I already was calm
  • Raising voices
  • Rolling eyes, exaggerated movements like waving hands, slamming doors
  • Being spoken down to (physically and verbally)
  • Someone nitpicking my words for their own favor

Some of these triggers could be harmless, with no ill intent, some are not, however it is important that I realize they affect me and how to deal with them.  Usually when I catch a social trigger, depending on its intensity I can put it aside by thinking in a very detached manner. These thoughts help me when I catch a social trigger and may not be able to take a time out at that moment:

  • Don’t take it personal.
  • The words they say are a reflection of them, not me.
  • I can either correct the offensive behavior or let it go.  Regardless I cannot expect them to listen to me, however I do have the right to end the conversation.
  • They don’t know that this bothers me.  I can tell them or ignore it.
  • I am not responsible for how they feel.  I am responsible for how I react (so let me think clearly.

Build yourself up during each encounter you have where you don’t go straight to Level 5 anger or worse.  Encourage yourself and understand this is process of dealing with other architects who may not be as socially savvy as you.  Treat their ugly comments as fleeting and remember you can end the communication if no conclusion can be met by either of you.

In the next post which affects passive people the most you learn how to stop internalizing everyone’s comments and accepting your mature communication as your only form of closure.